I N S O M N I A T I C

Promises broken.

Posted by Shannon under argh, bookworm, doom and gloom

I know I promised that my next entry would be less depressing….but I’m thinking that was a promise I probably shouldn’t have made. I really don’t have much to say beyond more complaints about work. I’m not enjoying my job at all. Sure, the money’s nice (and will be even nicer once it actually starts being deposited in my account), but I’m no longer sure that it’s enough to keep me around for any real period of time. In addition to my job being so boring and tedious it makes me feel as if I’m going insane, I’ve started having horrible headaches - which I’m assuming are a result of 8 hours of computer-stare time combined with the tediousness of having to be so meticulous about something I don’t even begin to understand. I thought maybe I was straining my eyes too much and wearing my glasses would help…but it hasn’t. Sadly, taking medicine provides no relief and only makes me sick on top of the headache. If all that wasn’t enough, there’s some major office drama that’s been building since I started that I fear is getting ready to explode. People seem to be trying harder and harder everyday to pull my name into it, and I don’t much appreciate that…at all. It’s to the point where I’m ready to start handing out threats. I don’t need that job near as much as the rest of them, who have families to support. I could make it at McDonald’s if I had to. But they seem to be forgetting that little fact. If an intervention doesn’t happen soon, I’m afraid the shit is going to hit the fan.

I know this probably sounds like a lot of whining, but I’m really not over-exaggerating. Lately I’ve been feeling like this job is killing me. I come home everyday and I feel terrible. I usually end up having to go to sleep to get any relief…which means I don’t get anything done. There are at least 5 loads of laundry that have been sitting around, building up for weeks, that I haven’t put away yet. The carpet floors are in terrible need of vacuuming and it wouldn’t hurt to sweep and mop the kitchen and bathroom (since we haven’t in 2 or more weeks). I feel like such a bum…but all I have the energy for is anime watching. I come home, eat a little something to bring my blood sugar up, put on an anime of which I watch maybe 2 episodes, fall asleep for a couple of hours, forget to eat dinner until it’s too late, take a shower, and go back to bed. That’s my evening/night. *sigh*

I’ve been meaning to look for another job, particularly making use of Monster and Career Builder…but I just haven’t had the energy. I did give a call to career services at UCA because I discovered that they help alumni as well as current students. So far I haven’t heard back from Reginia (I’ll be calling again tomorrow) but hopefully they’ll be able to review my resumes and help me formulate more job/career-specific resumes to use in my job hunt. I had decided that I didn’t want a big-girl job yet…hence why I took this position at New Century. But I’ve rethought that and decided that it may be worth it to go forth with my degree so that I can get out of this state and find something I might actually enjoy doing for 8 hours a day.

I totally didn’t mean to take up that much blog space talking about work. I hate it, but at the same time I feel like I need to blog about it so that it’s not just festering inside my mind. But anyway, other things have occurred….things that I’m not so sure I want to discuss here anymore. My 4th of July weekend was not a pleasant one. I won’t say more than that except for this: I didn’t get to see a single firework, and I’m still a bit sad about that. Friday itself was supposed to be a really great day, but things fell apart early, before we could even get started. I was more depressed that day than I’ve been since…high school. I’d forgotten how much a broken heart hurt. Now I don’t know if this is salvageable. Even if it is, I don’t know if it’s worth salvaging. I’m not sure how I want to proceed…or if I want to proceed.

I’m incredibly stressed out right now and because of it, my physical health is deteriorating right along with my mental health.

In other news, I’ve gotten nowhere with Eclipse…which is a good and bad thing. I’m never in much of a mood to read anymore. Lacking energy. I did go ahead and pre-order Breaking Dawn, although I did it at the local bookstore rather than Amazon.com, because once I figured in shipping I decided the bookstore would be cheaper.

After weeks of searching for a new owner for Ame, I finally got a message today from someone who might be interested in adopting him. If she is, we’ll be interviewing her and hopefully sending him to a good home. If she isn’t, or if she doesn’t meet our standards, I’ll be contacting the humane society to take him away.

I need a vacation. Kevin and I were kinda-sorta-not-really planning one for our one year in less than 2 weeks…but that idea has since gone down the drain. I wish I could just get away for a while, to somewhere I’ve never been where no one knows me…and just rest. It sounds like such a nice idea…and I’ve found some really nice places to do just that…but right now it just doesn’t seem within my reach. Nothing does.

There’s not much else to report, I suppose. I thought I had a lot more to talk about…”normal things” instead of complaints…but I guess not. :[ I guess I’m gonna go eat some strawberries and finish up Karin. I’m sorry for breaking my promise.

Complain, complain.

Posted by Shannon under argh, doom and gloom

“There can be no shadows without light.”
That’s what he said to me, as if he believed it. I wanted to believe it too - it makes perfect sense - but I just can’t seem to find that part of me that once hoped.

I wish that I too could say I’ve changed, that I’ve gotten better…that I’ve gotten over it. But I can’t. Because I haven’t. Everyday is still a struggle for me. I’m still a complete contradiction of my own self. I’ve grown so weary of fighting these battles…and it seems like everything is just getting worse. I hate to be around people - I don’t want to have to think of things to say or listen to them talk about how great and wonderful their lives are. I sit here and hide away in this apartment…and yet, I find myself depressed and lonely because I have no one to spend time with, to talk to….to create memories with.

And then when I’m done crying, I just feel really stupid about it all.

My job is going well but not going well at the same time. It’s not hard….but it’s so boring and tedious that I end up grinding my teeth and feeling as if I’m going to go insane - and then I come home with a huge headache and don’t feel like doing anything beyond lying in bed. I haven’t even been reading, that’s how bad it is. Oh, and for the record (since I apparently forgot to mention this) I work for an oil and gas leasing company. My particular field is integration, which basically means I prepare exhibits and documents for court hearings. Integration itself consists of us trying to establish the rights to minerals in certain areas so we can then swoop in and buy them off the unsuspecting person and turn around and make a huge fortune. Or something like that.

I’ve pretty much decided, after only two weeks, that I hate my job. Everyone keeps saying I’ll feel better once the paychecks start rolling in (there’s a 4-week delay that I won’t bother explaining, but I’ll get my first one around mid-July) and that’s a possibility. But I don’t have much hope for it. And now I’m done talking about work (even though I could complain so much more) because I really don’t want this blog to turn into a whine-fest. Oh wait, too late.

These days I find myself wondering if I’ll ever end up with the type of job that makes me want to get up and go in the morning. I want to be able to say, “I love my job!” and mean it, but I can’t think of anything I could be doing that would give me that pleasure. Except maybe taking (nature) pictures. Or playing video games. Or producing anime. All of which I’ll never be able to pursue.

I wish I had the courage to just get up and walk out.

[edit @ 9:39 pm] I’m tempted to delete this entry. I hate reading about how bummed I am. I’ve been trying so hard to be more positive…but tonight, I slipped. The next entry will be better, I promise. [/edit]

New things.

Posted by Shannon under bookworm, c'est la vie

I’ve been meaning to update for a couple of days now….but I’ve been so tired and it just seems like there’s not much to say. The first three days on the job were alright - slow and boring and rather tedious, but alright. I can deal with all three of those because they described my last job as well, so I’m already used to it. Add the fact that I’ll be making $2000 a month…over twice as much as I’ve ever made in my life…and yeah, boring is no problem. I get to listen to the trusty iPod while I work (finally, some use for it!) so that makes time go faster. And, so far, everyone I work with (at least the ones I work with on a daily basis) is mostly laid back and non-intrusive. They give me work and leave me alone to do it. Totally my type of people. They’re funny and they don’t pressure me and all in all, I think I ended up with a really great job. I’m hoping and praying I ended up with a really good job. The only downside right now is that I won’t get my first paycheck until the 15th of July…and I’m broke as a joke. I’ve had to charge up the credit card and pull money out of my savings to get by…and I’m still having trouble. A lot of that had to do with the fact that almost my entire wardrobe was made up of blue jeans and t-shirts, so I had to go out and buy new (expensive), more dressy clothes for work. But once the 15th comes, I’ll be set. So here’s holding out.

In other news, I just washed a load of clothes…but I overloaded the washer and so all the detergent didn’t rinse out (we switched to powder because I don’t trust the so-called “concentrated” liquids) so now I basically have to wash the entire load over. It normally wouldn’t be a big deal, but I’m really tired (and so, easily frustrated) and Kevin and I are at a “friend’s” apartment because we currently don’t have a washer and dryer….and I don’t want to be here. I want to be at home in bed. And I know that sounded really whiny. This probably wasn’t the best time to write an entry. Oh well.

I finally gave in and started Eclipse last night, but I’m only on the 3rd chapter so far. I’m attempting to draw it out so there won’t be so much time between me finishing it and the release of Breaking Dawn (which I’ve decided I will preorder as a birthday present for myself, after I start getting paid). I’ve also just started reading a new manga called Vampire Knight. Kevin found the anime online and I watched all the episodes that are subbed so far (12 - it’s currently running in Japan, so they’re still being released) and I fell in love with it. The art is absolutely amazing and the storyline has completely sucked me in. It’s about vampires, of course. I didn’t realize until just now that my obsession for them seems to have returned.

I can’t really think of anything to else to report about at the moment, so I guess this is it. My body has yet to find its balance with my new routine…so I’ve been really drained lately. But thanks to everyone for the comments and congrats.